Apparently, since half of us married people, will eventually be divorced, discussing the pros and cons of divorce is an all-important issue. According to random reports scattered all over the internet and reported in mainstream media, the vast majority of marital bliss is a falsehood; where the marriage is only perpetuated by the inability for people to make a decision one way or the other. “Should I stay or should I go,’” seems to be the routine question that married people intermittently roll around in their minds for years upon years.

So here it is! The ‘ultimate guide’’ (and yes the term ultimate is used lightly here) to the pros and cons of divorce. In the interest of positive thinking, let’s start with the pros!

Pros of Divorce

  • It definitely has fewer ramifications than murder. If you have plotted the multiple ways in which you want to take out your spouse, then consider filing for a divorce instead. After all, living in poverty in a one-bedroom apartment is definitely a better alternative to a jail cell.
  • You can finally act on those illicit feelings you have for that girl or guy in your life by asking them out. In fact, you can re-enter the dating field (with the slight baggage of 20 extra pounds and 2 kids of course) and make up for any lack luster sexless nights you have experienced in your marriage. Good luck with that.
  • You will never have anyone to tell you how to do the simple things in life, like how to put the dishes away, how or when to mow the lawn, or chastise you for leaving the toilet seat up (or down, depending on your gender). In fact, you can transcend back into living as you did in your college days with roaches crawling over empty pizza boxes, or for those Type A married folks; can alphabetize everything damn thing in your home.
  • You can eat anything you want, whenever you want, without ever considering the nutritional needs or desires of anyone else in the home.
  • You can finally pawn or sell your wedding jewelry to get that special thing you have been wanting for yourself.
  • You never have to listen to music or watch television shows that you hate for the sake of your spouse. In fact, you can watch marathons of Dancing with the Stars or the Super Bowl over and over again without regard to what your partner thinks Booyah!
  • You can do whatever the heck you want with your money, without asking permission or ‘discussing’’ it with your partner.
  • No one will ever talk to you while you are taking a dump or are in the shower again.
  • You can take all the covers, all the pillows, and fart in bed as much as necessary without any backlash.
  • You never have to worry about your spouse killing you in your sleep. (As long as the doors to your new home are kept locked)
  • No one will be lurking around asking you, ‘what are you doing?’” all the time.
  • You won’t have to remember all-important dates like birthdays or anniversaries ever again. In fact, you can forget them completely!
  • You will finally have the incentive you need to work out, lose weight, and get healthy, because you certainly won’t attract anyone of the opposite sex in your current state, right?
  • Boys and girls nights out. Without worrying about when you come home. (That is if you know any other single people your age to go with you)

Cons of Divorce

  • You will feel compelled to work out, lose weight, and get healthy in order to have an iota of an opportunity to attract anyone of the opposite sex ever again.
  • You will be broke as heck. Which makes crazy night outs on the town an oxy-moron.
  • You won’t have anyone to clean up after you. Suddenly you will realize how distracting your make-up or razor clippings all over the sink REALLY are.
  • There will be no one around to grab you a roll of toilet paper form the hall closet after taking a dump and realizing the toilet paper roll is empty. In fact, you will wonder if your spouse was right all along about whether you inability to chance the roll was a personality disorder.
  • You will have to pawn or sell your wedding jewelry in order to make rent.
  • Cooking for one may seem like a dream come true. Truth is, there is hardly any sense in cooking at all, and your entire diet will consist of cereal, toast and ramen noodles. (Or fast food!)
  • It could be years and years before you ever find someone to have sex with again. And when you do, you (and they) may realize just how bad you have become at it after years of complacency in the bedroom.
  • You will re-enter the dating scene, 20 pounds heavier and with 2 kids waiting for you at home.
  • You will lose at least half your friends and family with one simple signature of the pen.
  • You wont have anyone to remind you to load the dishwasher, mow the lawn, or that its trash day ever again. Which you will find out was sort of convenient in hindsight.
  • If you have kids, you still have to put up with your spouse. And somehow, now it’s more irritating than ever.
  • All your friends are married.
  • You will be able to watch anything you want whenever you want on TV, which means you are alone, all the time. Then you remember the important dates like birthdays and anniversaries and realize just how much you are missing out. Lets not even discuss being alone on the holidays.

Funny. But re-reading the list, it becomes sort of evident that the pros and cons of divorce are often a double-edged sword. While fantasies of offing your spouse because of their idiosyncrasies may make you feel like you are rushing toward the edge of a cliff, at least you have a purpose in life. And someone to share it with. And as expected, the question returns to ‘should I Stay or Should I Go?’”


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